DISCREET BOOZE ACQUISITION

If you are new to drinking, but anxious to learn the ways of alcohol assisted relaxation, this advice is for you.

For those of you who need to keep up the appearance of abstention from alcohol, in order to retain religion-based employment or to maintain an aura of spiritual superiority, we can help.

ATTENTION BOOZE VIRGINS

Drinking in the privacy of your own home is ideal, but we understand that some of you have reasons to hide your brew consumption from family members. In that case, you may wish to make a friend's home your base of operations.

We specialize in helping you find a beer buddy who will discreetly deliver your alcohol, thus avoiding the embarrassment of coming face to face with fellow church members in unacceptable locations, such as Big Jim's All Night Liquor & Smokes. 

SIN PACKAGES

In the Baptist church sins come in assorted packs. We understand this. The selection of sins for which you are held accountable depends on your specific version of the Baptist Faith and can vary from church to church.

If you find yourself in an alcohol-hating, fundamentalist Baptist church, most likely you were born into it through no fault of your own. That, or your wife cut you off, forcing you to join a prohibitionist church in order to get regular sex again.  

Now you can have your cake and eat her it too. We'll help you combat your ignorant church's misguided attempt to close off the beer tap.

OUR TOP RECOMMENDED OPTION

To get beer discreetly, all you need is your very own atheist. There are several to choose from in your immediate neighborhood. Thinking you do not know an atheist is like assuming you've never encountered a real, live homosexual. Like homos, atheists do not necessarily advertise, yet they are everywhere.

Somewhere in the Bible there is the suggestion that good Christians may freely take advantage of Philistines, since they are damned anyway. Atheists, falling solidly into the godless Philistine category, may therefore be abused with impunity. You might as well use them to wet your whistle.

To make your task even easier, you should know that the average atheist comprehends religion far better than you might imagine. He will view your plight with compassion and assist you in reaching your consumption goals with a refreshing, non-judgmental enthusiasm.

You can trust an atheist. Find one. Befriend him today and he'll be doing beer runs tomorrow.

This site contains advice on how to work the system outlined here for maximum return.